The avoidance cycle, brought to you by ADHD
A huge turning point
This past week in therapy, my therapist and I were talking about intrusive thoughts, anxiety, worry, and adhd. I explained to her an example of something challenging that I had been dealing with that morning. I was trying to figure out a marketing plan for my business and I had been calling in some resources. One amazing email showed up in my inbox from Natalie Brite and I was super pumped to dive in and get working on it. It involved making a 3 part plan over 3 months.
I sat down, opened up a new Notion page, and I was excited to dive in. Then the panic hit. I couldn’t get my brain to grab onto anything. Then the thoughts came rushing in, “I can’t do this.” So I packed it up, threw in the towel, said this is too hard for me and I just can’t do it.
My lovely therapist said, “Brigitte, that’s textbook ADHD.” She then opened up the DSM and read me the characteristics of ADHD.
My eyes got big and my brain did the whole mind-blown emoji face 🤯.
This is something I have struggled with, by and large, my whole life. Through school, yeah, but worse as an adult in every single job I’ve had or business I’ve started. This is the thing that stops me dead in my tracks. I get stuck. I can’t move forward. I stop. And go on doing something completely different, hoping I’ll get different (better) results next time. (Spoiler alert, it doesn’t help to change course - the same cycle just keeps repeating 😅).
She said a 3 month plan is way too big. I have to chunk that down into smaller more manageable tasks. Yeah, yeah, I know, I know. I told her that 3 month plan was broken down by month- I should be able to do that! Nope, still too big. Ugh. Break it down more.
And she pointed out… avoidance. That’s what I do when it gets hard- I straight up avoid the thing.
She also offered to me that since I have ADHD, this whole difficulty making task plans may never get easier for me. I sat there and groaned for awhile. But that also lit something up in my brain.
💡 OMG this is [maybe] always gonna be hard! I got some freedom in that. In the acceptance of it. Because then I can let go of all these stories and expectations I’m replaying in my mind as these things happen. I can give myself a little more grace and self-compassion when things get hard.
Instead of saying, “I suck, why can’t I just figure this out and do it like everybody else?” I can say, “of course this is hard for me right now. How can I get the support I need to complete this task instead of avoiding it?” And then call in resources or other ways to get the task done.
Fuck. It’s wild to realize these sorts of things are gigantic life challenges after 3 decades of trying to white-knuckle push through and feeling like I’m the biggest failure because I’m still stuck on this hamster wheel in the mud all the while living in this imaginary reality that I should be living in some huge hamster paradise with the rest of all the hamsters. Not realizing that this world just isn’t set up for hamsters like me. So the fact that I’m still even on my muddy wheel continuing to try to get somewhere is a huge testament to my willpower and determination.
And that it’s ok to do things completely differently than most of the other hamsters out there. To lean on other resources and support and quit trying to do life “like everybody else.”
How did I turn into a hamster today hahaha thanks for sticking around through that analogy.
So now, when I find myself up against a task that feels too hard, that I’m avoiding, I’m gonna give myself some self-compassion. “Of course this is hard for me right now.” Then ask what I would need in order to make it easier. Maybe it’s more time, breaking it up into tiny pieces, hiring somebody, working on it in a co-working space, etc. Then the next step that I take for that task is in getting the resources and support I need.
I hope this story helps you to have more compassion for yourself when things get tough, too. And to seek out resources and support. If it’s not working for you the way you’ve been doing it (or avoiding it), what can you do to do it differently? 🖤
