surviving after being smacked by an emotion
i had an unexpected run-in with grief the other day. i guess maybe that's the nature of it or any other heavy emotion, they hit when you're least expecting... and then what do you do?
i was walking through a thrift store and entering their holiday section, to be met with a gigantic christmas tree, not really thinking anything of it besides how huge it is. and then i glance again and it hits me. the needles on the tree look similar to my grandparent's tree, the one i used to play underneath with my toys and all the fun christmas "toys" like the nativity set. and then it hits me that my grandma passed away a couple months ago. my heart hurts, right in the middle of the thrift store.
so many questions and thoughts and feelings flood my head and body all at once. she was my last grandparent. what happens with that tree now? then i think of my other grandparents and all of the holidays over the past few decades. so much has changed. and i guess it'll just continue changing. my heart aches for the things that once were. i can't ever go back there. and also i recognize that a big part of me doesn't want to go back. my heart hurts.
and somehow i have to continue existing in this store, and make it to my car, and continue on with my life.
i've been leaning into the "both/and" in situations lately. really feeling it. the range with which i experience emotions and sensations in my body over the course of the day is amazing. and sometimes i don't know how to determine where i'm at. when someone asks how i am, i give a multidimensional answer. i'm rarely ever good, bad, or ok... i can't be summed up in one word. and i always felt shameful or stupid when i couldn't pinpoint one word for how i'm doing or feeling in any given moment. now i'm accepting and embracing it all at once. i'm tired and excited, i'm confused and motivated, i'm hopeful and skeptical, i'm grieving and moving forward.
so, my heart hurts and it's also grateful and full of love. i'm mourning the past and looking forward to the future.
if you find yourself unable to distill "how you are" down to one word, maybe try allowing yourself multiple words, sentences, paragraphs. allow yourself to be present in multitudes. be in all of it all at once.
and if grief or any other emotion hits you like an immovable force in the middle of a store, just know you're not alone. i'm proud of you for being a human in this world; it's tough and you're doing the best you can in this moment. allow yourself to be where you are, existing while experiencing multiple dimensions of emotions. 🖤
